Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
