and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
sex in a hospital.. check
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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