remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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