Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
