Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
