If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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