if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
