If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
