I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
