how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
