True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
