just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
3pm strippers are depressing
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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