Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can't put those talents on a resume
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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