I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
