oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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