You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
This toilet bowl is my home.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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