ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
