Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
