conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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