Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
