there's paper in my vomit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
