As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
