at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
