The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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