On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
