I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
