This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
