everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
