So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
