I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
