you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
