I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
only you would photoshop your dick
Are we still banned from the library?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
