We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
