: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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