Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
