My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
