she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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