Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize