in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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