Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
