I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
