ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
