she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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