craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
