he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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