Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
