Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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