Jerry, you need to find god
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
