I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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