I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
