Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
