I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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